People ask me “what do you want to do?” and my outside freezes while my insides start screaming “I don’t know.”
I don’t know.
But I want to know.
As a little girl I had a lot things I wanted to do, acting, paleontology but what I really wanted to be as exceptional. To be a hero. To have adventures that meant something. To save the world.
You spend long enough waiting for your Hogwarts letter or for Gandalf to show on your doorstep then it becomes harder and harder to make decisions based in what already exists in front of you.
I threw myself into this and that, acting, politics and even ran off to the circus waiting for the moment when I would be good enough to justify being there at all. But I nearly always ended up running away to something else when it didn’t all fall into place.
And running away is no way to save the world.
The whole original idea behind this blog, the video, anything I did online for so long was to make enough noise and reach enough people that it mattered. But as time went on I was less and less sure what that would look like and the less sense it made.
I want to change things for the better, that’s always been true, and even though it shouldn’t matter I want to be remembered too.
What do you want to do?
I want to watch sea turtles hatch on Maui. I want to get up early enough to watch the sun rise at least once a week. I want to find a little peace inside my head. I want to see mountains in New Zealand and rain forests in Costa Rica. I want to meet people and listen to their stories and tell them mine. Be remembered and to remember. Love, be loved, all that.
But people don’t want to know that bit most of the time. They mean “what job are you going to get with this degree?” Even when I have a plan, I always end up changing it anyway.
I don’t always know what I’m going to do but I know what I want to be is happy.
Maybe that’s enough for now.